WhatsApp Status: I just checked my horoscope and it said, “Try not to be an idiot today.” It’s nice that the stars are keeping the bar low.

WhatsApp Status: If I’m ever found dead at the gym, please add more weights to my bar before the police arrive.

WhatsApp Status: Somewhere out there, there is a Tupperware lid that fits this container. I will find it. I will marry it.

WhatsApp Status: I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table is a bully, and the walls get in my way.

WhatsApp Status: I’m currently out of my mind. Please leave a message at the beep.

WhatsApp Status: “Everything happens for a reason.” Usually, that reason is that I’m bad at making decisions.