Facebook Status: My fridge and I have a lot in common. We both run all day and achieve nothing.

Facebook Status: Accidentally said ‘you too’ when the waiter said ‘enjoy your meal.’ We are no longer on speaking terms.

Facebook Status: I don’t have a dad bod. I have a father figure.

Facebook Status: I’m not messy. I’m creatively organized.

Facebook Status: If you really want to see who someone is as a person, watch them using slow internet.

Facebook Status: I came here to avoid friends on other social media.