Facebook Status: If Cinderella’s glass shoe fit so perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Facebook Status: Today, I texted my mom saying that I got an A for a test. She replied: ‘WTF see you at dinner.’ She thinks WTF means: ‘Wow, that’s fantastic.’

Facebook Status: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Facebook Status: I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

Facebook Status: The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they can tell when they’re really in trouble.

Facebook Status: Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?