Facebook Status: Forgive your enemies. It annoys them to no end.

Facebook Status: Told someone I’d ‘circle back’ today. I have not circled. I have not moved. I am a straight line going nowhere.

Facebook Status: My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do today.

Facebook Status: Adulting is basically just pretending you know what you’re doing until someone asks if you’re okay.

Facebook Status: Bought a self-help book three months ago. It’s still in the bag. I feel like that’s the universe telling me I’m fine.

Facebook Status: My love language is someone telling me to sit down while they make me a cup of tea without being asked.