Facebook Status: By the time someone realises that their parent was right, they have a child who thinks they’re wrong.

Facebook Status: Bought some batteries for my children as gift and stuck a note on it saying: ‘Toys not included.’

Facebook Status: I’d like to help you out – which way did you come in?

Facebook Status: My favourite mythical creature: an honest politician.

Facebook Status: Have you ever Googled something and the suggested searches were far more entertaining than your original idea?

Facebook Status: Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person – apparently that is called ‘stalking’.