Facebook Status: I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

Facebook Status: When I was a kid, I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light-bulbs.

Facebook Status: I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter, so I’m a trendsetter.

Facebook Status: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Facebook Status: The difference between stupidity and genius, is that genius has limits.

Facebook Status: Closing all your tabs by the time your boss gets to you is like frantically getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.