Facebook Status: Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I fall asleep with pizza in the oven.

Facebook Status: My bank account and my ambitions are in a long-distance relationship and neither is doing well.

Facebook Status: Age 7: I can’t wait to be an adult. Age 35: Who approved this?

Facebook Status: I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.

Facebook Status: I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope for the best.

Facebook Status: I whisper “what the heck” to myself at least 20 times a day.