Facebook Status: Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.

Facebook Status: LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.

Facebook Status: The older you are, the harder it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have become good buddies.

Facebook Status: I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.

Facebook Status: If something’s not going right, try left.

Facebook Status: Time is precious. Waste it wisely.