Facebook Status: I’m the kind of person who bumps into inanimate objects and says: ‘Oops, I’m sorry.’

Facebook Status: People who have OnlyFans, what’s stopping you from upgrading to an air conditioner?

Facebook Status: Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.

Facebook Status: What if God came down one day and said, “It’s pronounced ‘Jod'” and left?

Facebook Status: My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

Facebook Status: Why is ‘Monday’ so far from ‘Friday’, and ‘Friday’ so near to ‘Monday’?